Britta…Brandon…Baby!

Passing the Torch

While I was growing up, my parents tried their hardest to teach me little life lessons whenever they had the chance.  You know, bits of information that make it so you become a good person and don’t accidentally die in the process.  Like. . . don’t run with scissors or. . . don’t vote republican.  Well now, when I think about the things I will teach Soren, I keep hearing the voices of my parents and I realize that one of the reasons I am who I am today, is because I actually listened to them.  And believed them.  And I can only hope that one day Soren will think I’m as cool and smart as I think Gary and Marcia are.  Oh, Gary and Marcia are my parents.  Sometimes I use their first names because I’m weird.

Being the amazingly generous person that I am, I will now share some of these words of wisdom.

1) Always has at least half a tank of gas in your car.  Gas = freedom.

2) Never leave the house without mascara.  You never know who you’ll run into at the grocery store (So this one doesn’t really apply to Soren, but it is SAGE advice for blonds).

3) While driving, assume that everyone else is an idiot.

4) When you go to church, you can leave immediately after communion.  Because after you have communion, “it counts.”

5) As long as you have enough food and booze, a party will always be a success.

6) Always pay off your credit card every month.  FULL DISCLOSURE: I don’t actually succeed at doing this every month, but I would certainly like to.

7) Never make another mess until you’ve cleaned up the first one you made.

You need to know how to shoot a basketball, play catch, throw a football and pack a mean punch.

I know that I will come up with some of my own as I journey through parenthood, but I really think these eight will get Soren off to a great start.

Oh!  I just thought of some other things I should add.  But this is a list of things that my dad told me that ended up being total bull shit.  And most of them I actually believed until I was 17 or so.

1) If you drink the bathtub water, you will get polio.

2) If you put a piece of pastrami on your skin, it will eventually fuse to your body.

3) If you cross your eyes for too long, they will get stuck that way.

4) (This one takes some explaining. . .) When I was learning to talk, Gary decided that it would be a good idea to tell me the wrong words for things.  Like he would call a tree a duck.  Or call a cat a walrus.  I blame my low verbal SAT score on this charade.